Is this a dream?

Strength
Strength

I have been really coming out of my depression shell, it has been a long haul.  There are times when I am so happy I actually stop and ask myself “who are you – is this real?” The last nine months have been extremely trying and difficult, especially around Christmas season. I am sure that was the first time I actually thought about exiting this planet to rid myself of the emotional downs I was going through but I kept it to myself, it scared me!

Once I got my bearings back I decided to start crafting which brought back memories of my art capabilities. How did I forget I love art, life got in my way and I pushed everything that made me ME aside and forgot about it.  I have discussed my depression and my trials and tribulations with our daughter but today its about me. Finally living!

Water Colour by me – On the Rocks, I think you will like this one.

Done, Done and Done!

Well that was one crazy weekend! All moved and rested…yes I am so out of shape I had to rest off the sore muscle achy feeling.  The new apartment is much bigger and I hope they are happier but next move they must hire movers …I am getting too old for that shit!

So call me crazy, CRAZY!  My daughter and her partner have 2 cats and a small dog. The day after the move (Sunday) they picked up a new puppy, aww right? Its a Great Dane! Those things get huge and live a short life and the other animals are not even settled in the new home. I am flabbergasted, why can’t they just be happy with what they have? Oh well thats my daughter for ya……geez.

I think like a Mom, they have no money and four animals hmmm if you do the math something does not add up.  I guess they do this to keep themselves happy and I am ok with that but I am the one on the phone when our daughter has a Bitch fest about everything her partner does not do to help or how crazy the animals are driving her or the best one is “we have no money”.

On a positive note – I have been trying to find some time for myself so I can focus on my Water Colours – Yes, I paint. I decided I was going to start practising Eyes because eyes do tell all, right? Once I have eyes mastered I will move on to mastering proportions. When I was young I loved art but when my mother passed away I stopped (she was my biggest fan) I forgot how expressive it was and glad I decided to rekindle with water colours (I love colours).   It is Snow megaton out there – I guess today will be a paint day!

The painting below is named “I see the good”

Enjoy the colours!

I see the good

Time to move

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Well this weekend is moving weekend for our daughter, I am happy to report she is in a decent mind space. Since she has been diagnosed with personality disorder on top of her Bipolar she seems to be understanding herself better. There is an intense therapy that she will be starting in February which I am sure will help her more.

I can’t wait until she gets into her new apartment just for the fact she will be cooking at home again and eating a bit better.  The apartment she is in now on the first floor had major ants in the kitchen (more than once) which was reported two months ago and NO one has come to do pest control. It is difficult just living for her at times but the ants just add to it – I certainly would not be happy with the situation and she seems to show more patience then me.

Yesterday was Bell Talk day and I came across an entry my daughter made on the internet and she talked about her struggles bit but what caught my eye was how grateful she was to have a supporting family…….this made me smile and for the first time I felt we were doing something right We have become an understanding supportive family. This took some skills, listening, research, and an open mind but we did it!

Mondays, Yuck!

I lied in bed last night wide awake at 1:00 am with racing thoughts going through my mind. I have so many projects I would like to do and start selling. I also bought a new pillow last night, was I up because of my racing mind or was it because of my new pillow or maybe a combination.  What ever it was I am dragging my ass today, I am so out of it I can’t think straight.  I put on my non slip fuzzy stockings this morning and somehow manage to fall down the stairs…..OUCH!

OK, OK so there were only four steps but I hit everyone of them with every body part. My toe feels like it should be broken, I hit the bone behind my ear and it has a goose egg and both elbows are scrapped. Really?

Not my Monday.

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Sisterhood Blogger award

 

wpid-img_20150116_184933Glad to be thought of as part of the Sisterhood Bloggers and I have to Thank On the Rocks (renewed design)  for the nomination,  a great writer who eloquently relays thoughts and real life situations to the screen. I was given the award a couple of weeks ago and now is time to share I have to give On The Rocks props.

A humbling and exciting experience to be recognized for my true thoughts and feelings about my quirky ways.  I am honored to be nominated and excited never ever thought I would be a blogger.

We all know the Rules…what would an award be without them?

1- Thank and link the person(s) who nominated you on your blog
2- Post the award in a visible area.
3- Answer the 10 question’s you will be given.
4- Nominate 7 other lovely blogger’s.
5- Make sure you write out 10 new question’s for your nominees to answer.
6- Don’t break the rules

MY QUESTIONS TO ANSWER

1. If you could turn back time, would you? Why or why not?

I wouldn’t at this point as I am just starting to feel comfortable in my skin. There are a few things I would change if I could but time has made me who I am today.

2. What is your all-time favorite song?

Weird Fishes – Radiohead – Love the Rainbow album (CD) LOL!

3. Sweet or Salty?

Tough one! I like them together but if I had to pick one I would pick Sweet

4. Biggest fear?

Bedbugs! These little blood suckers are everywhere now

5. Best Childhood memory?

My Auntie owned a farm and had a big family.  I remember the summers at the farm and riding horses – I will never forget the peace I had living simple.

6. Turn on iTunes, Spotify, Pandora, or what have you, and randomly shuffle through to the third song. What is it? How does it fit in your situation right in this moment?

Turn Away – Beck

I have had some struggles in the last 10 years, employers can be so heartless and it was a very hard pill to swallow when you are let go. There are people in my family that never have anything nice to say, I think of this song and let it go.

7. What movie best describes your life at the moment?

Little Miss Sunshine – EVERYONE wants to be loved and wanted.

8. What was the deciding factor in finally starting your blog?

I was doing some research – looking for other parents that deal with Bipolar in the family.  I came across Teach her how to fly on wordpress and was hooked.

I was excited to have an outlet, a sounding board and was pleasantly surprised to find such a great bunch of writers that put their heart on the screen.

9. Religion, Spirituality, or Science? None? Combo?

I would have to say Spiritual – I was born Catholic and went to Catholic schools but I am definitely more Spiritual.

10. You are given the choice between living in your dreams or living in your reality. What do you choose and why?

I like reality most times – the only times I would want to live in my dreams would be when I see my Mom, I would have loved to have more time with her.

MY QUESTIONS TO YOU!

1.  If you were given a free trip and had to choose between Cuba or Jamaica where would you go and why?

2. If you had to wear a watch would you choose digital or old style clock face? Why?

3. What is your favourite saying?

4. Do you hold doors open for others or walk right through without looking back?

5. If you were playing Survivor would you be a team player or an outcast?

6. If you had to pick a new location to move to where would it be.

7. Coffee or Tea?

8. Which do you prefer – Home cooked meal or Fast Food?

9. What is your favourite dish to eat?

10. What do you do to help relieve stress?

NOMINEES!

I enjoy reading all the blogs I follow so this will be difficult. I am inspired daily by the words of kind strangers and the honest feedback of those being real with the situations. Writing is a great outlet and some do this so beautifully, Keep it up!

1. Bipolar Scorpio

2. Neurochemically Challenged

3. The Bipolar Homestead

4. Ashkaay

5. Bemused By Beleaguering

6. bipolar for life adventure

7. Adventures of a Former Scapegoat

 

Self doubt

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I have been so busy, busy in my head, thinking, pacing, thinking some more.

I was offered a part time job – work from home. Totally up my alley but why am I doubting myself and my abilities? Why do I have this monkey on my back telling me your not going to succeed? I never thought that growing up and have been pretty successful with my street smarts.  My schooling went as far as High School, no college, no University only the school of common sense and LIFE!

I seem to be crocheting in excess, need some fingerless gloves? Heck I have made like 14 pairs in a week including ear warmers to match oh and the amazing slouch hat I made for myself which I love so I can’t forget that. Keeping busy, busy, busy.10933323_10152624828412335_1262258610_n

I guess it is some type of mild mania I am going through but I have noticed that I often have a negative voice of self doubt during this need to get things done. I am not claiming to be bipolar as I do not go through the torture my daughter does by any means. I can’t help but think that the apple does not fall from the tree to a certain extent. I am in tune with it much more than I ever have been I guess,  maybe I should address the doubt right away before it festers into a high anxiety situation?

Moving forward I must find away to intercept the negative with a positive – sometimes easier said than done.

What will they think?

I was approached by my neighbour last week asked if I was looking for work, I happen to be on a job hunt so timing could not have been better. He asked me to come over for a job interview, we set the date which was today I was nervous and worried about what they would think of me because I really don’t chat with my neighbours, like as little as possible. In fact I do what ever I can to avoid people in fear they would get to know me and not like me for some strange reason, I think that it is an insecurity issue I have with myself.

Although I have a few skills I am the biggest self doubter ever which I am sure hinders many opportunities.  I started getting that anxious feeling in my gut as I was getting ready. I questioned myself, scolded myself and put on a happy face and went over.  STAY CALM!

Both husband and wife were waiting my arrival and greeted me at the door, we walked up to the dining room table and their big hairy dog was all over me – she knew I was an animal lover obviously however my dress pants are now hairy too.

We touched on some personal subjects and I had mentioned that our daughter was bipolar after HE spoke about his therapy. It turns out that this is something they were very familiar with, surprisingly! They too have family members that deal with depression one is even bipolar and could totally relate without me going into detail, all of a sudden my anxiety went down and I started feeling a comfort knowing people in my own backyard deal with this too.

I think I get in my own way most times – I must make note to stop interfering with myself confidence. I have such a different perspective when dealing with others the bottom line is treat people the way you would like to be treated.

Don’t be so Defensive

imagesSunday was an interesting day but I have to begin with some details to fill in the little bits and pieces.

My daughter has been in a relationship for a year with her girl friend and they seem to compliment each other and are generally happy together.  We love them both and try to support their happiness.

Like any other relationships they have ups and downs, WELL we are talking about a Lesbian mixed with mental illness relationship so things are just a wee bit more complex.  One is well aware of her mental illness and the other is in denial that she has high anxiety and a few other things to workout. Lets not forget the dreaded PMS that time of the month when you would bit the head off a small child for breathing too loud.

My daughter is off work at this time due to her mental illness but is packing the apartment for the big move which leaves the apartment totally up side down. The girl friend is a workaholic and drives some distance to work, very focused when it comes to work.

They have an arguement on Thursday and it effects their whole weekend,  OH and my weekend too but this is the pattern and I know it so well.

My daughter decides she wants to get out with some friends Saturday night, thats good right? I am unsure about that! You see she can not say NO to alcohol and this worries me because of her meds along with her bladder issue and lack of self control at times. I know there is nothing I can say to change her mind but I still have to be a Mom and voice my concern. I know I will be hearing from her Sunday because this is not going to end well.

Sunday comes and I get the phone call “Mom I am so sick, something is not right I can’t stop this feeling” and of course as a typical Mom I softly scold her and say YOU should not have been drinking! Given her physical issues we went to the hospital as I was most worried about her physical issue with not urinating  100% etc. and didn’t feel comfortable brushing this off.

A nurse calls out her name and looks over and says “OH yeah I know who you are” and right away my daughter was defensive about that comment, I said to my daughter” honey you can’t take offence because she may know who you are (my daughter is at that hospital a lot), she may not be saying it the way you are perceiving it. Don’t be so defensive because that Nurse may have an association with you.”  (I think this way now because of this site and the honesty of many writers)

Guess what? That same nurse had confided in my daughter during a tea run and told her she suffers from high anxiety and can relate to some of what my daughter is going through.  AMAZING! I must have had Mommy intuition.

I brought my crochet hook and yarn, luckily. 10928217_794478833939359_5009122015854673700_n I was there for three hours – her girl friend was at a driving course and took over and they spent another 3 hours – thats 6 hours at the hospital….HOLY!!! All because one person did NOT take her meds Saturday night and all of her symptoms were that of with drawl. UGH!

Your health should be your number one goal, take care of yourselves.

You are worth it!

Liebster Award!

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I would like to thank Bipolar Scorpio for nominating me for The Liebster Award! Bipolar Scorpio writes true raw feelings when it regards fighting Stigma, always a good read. Check her blogs out you won’t be disappointed.

Thank you Bipolar Scorpio it is good to know your writing is enjoyed and relatable to others.

11 Questions provided to me and  I am so honoured to receive this award!

1. If you could be something today, something to make you proud, what would you be?

This is a tough one, I would hate to think I am not something today. If I could do it all over though I would love to have been a dancer or musician because you can express soul without chancing ridicule  – its art.

2.Why you started blogging?

I started blogging because I needed an outlet and privacy from people around me to sort my thoughts. I am addicted to the stories and the wonderful bloggers and have come to the conclusion that I am not alone.

3. what would make you happy?

I would be most happiest if I had my Mother with me today, she past at a young age only 52 years old.

4. What is one thing that you can’t live without at the moment?

Coffee, I am addicted to my morning coffee.  Sometimes two morning coffees oh and my afternoon coffee. LOL

5. The book or the movie? The book (then the movie 😉 )

Not much of a reader other than my bloggers so I say the movie. Little Miss Sunshine has been one of the most real best movies I have seen and will forever love it.

6. Do you have pets? If no, pick one would you would like to have.

I have two dogs – Shnoodle and a Yorkie – Old fellas

7. Share your favorite blog and describe in 3 words why?

My favourite blog – geez it is hard to say something nice about yourself hmmm I have to say “Irritated just Irritated” because I felt so much better when I vented.

8. Describe yourself in 3 words.

Qwerky, mysterious, insecure

9. Mountain or sea/ocean?

Ocean

10. What you do to relax?.

Crochet…..LOL!

11. Favorite scent/perfume?

Biotherm – Oceana

11 Random Facts About Myself

1. I ride a CRF230 Dirt Bike through Forest.

2. I have been married for 20 years. I love my husband to the moon, he has been with me through thick and thin.

3. I have one daughter who is 22 years old and Bipolar – yes he is her Step Daddy!

4. I love the Summer, I need sun! If I don’t have sun I wilt.

5. I am a black sheep, never did thing the easy way but it has made me who I am today.

6. I have climbed two mountains in Canmore, Canada B E A U T I F U L!

7. I am missing body parts – no thyroid, no gallbladder.

8. I think I have been going through a mid life crisis, at times I question myself and abilities and I never use to do that.

9. I have a soft heart for the Elderly and feel they do not get the respect they deserve. Those functioning should be sharing stories in a classroom…Keep them involved not forget about them.

10. I am a simpleton, minimalist. I care about the environment.

11. I love Music – it soothes the soul.

My 5 Blog Nominations for The Liebster Award!

1. On the Rocks

2. Adventures of a Former Scapegoat

3. My Big Fat Crazy Blog

4. The Bipolar Homestead

5. Modern Day Scarlett O’Hara